YOUR MARITAL HEALTH/THE MOST OFTEN ASKED QUESTION: I AM DEATHLY AFRAID THAT HE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR

“I am deathly afraid that he is having an affair. He just doesn’t want that much sex anymore. Is he?”

ANSWER: Frequency of and interest in sex is not a symptom. It does not “mean” anything if medical problems are ruled out. It is a means of sharing and expression that stands in and of itself. Looking for outside affairs only avoids the real issue of strengthening the marriage. Even if an affair were taking place, the issue would still be to strengthen the intimacy of the marital relationship. To enhance the intimacy of your relationship, particularly at times of outside stress on the relationship, devote for a period of time almost all of your mental and emotional energy to this, relationship and suspend other relationships, even friendships and family ties. This doesn’t mean give them up; it means announcing that for a few weeks you are giving your full attention to your marriage. After that, you will be back in all relationships you value, even more ready to be close to others because of your new trust in the closeness of your marriage. I have found that there is little interest in returning to relationships that are only approximations of what super marital sex can be. If after these few weeks there is still a trust problem or other difficulties, look inside, at the marriage, for the cause, not outside at other factors.

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