THE SELF-POISONER: PATTERNS OF SELF-INDUCED TOXICITY – PERSONAL PERFORMERITIS
«Record-keeping» is particularly poisonous when a person constantly compares himself with himself. Usually, he has a mental progress chart that is part of his poisonous onward-and-upward demand for continual improvement. The greater his need to prove himself in this way, the more toxic he becomes. The poisoning effect of performeritis is increased by the person’s uncertainty of how good he really is. The standards he sets for himself, measured against what he imagines to be the capabilities of others, are merely the product of his own fantasies. He is trapped on a self-improvement treadmill.A woman became upset whenever she felt she was not the most attractive female in the room. She rejected the friendship of women whom she saw as rivals. Typically, her women friends were older, overweight, or in some other way clearly less attractive than she. She subjected herself to a lifelong beauty contest at the expense of enjoying her over-all growth as a person. The process became even more deadly when combined with her morbid fear of growing older. She fantasized diminishing attention and admiration from men as an over helming catastrophe.A similar toxic pattern occurs in aging men who become anxious about their virility. Toxic performeritis often begins to affect their sexual behavior, in that they feel compelled to prove their sexual prowess at the expense of the experience itself. Any relationship is poisoned to the degree to which it is contaminated by preoccupation with performance. In T people of both sexes, anxiety about aging tends to take on an obsessive quality. To the extent that the obsession demands the time, energy, and resources of the person, the remainder of his total identity is deprived and disregarded.
While we all may be interested in developing some talent or ability, focusing on these aspirations at the expense of appreciating present functioning is toxic. Performeritis postpones gratification to some future time. Most self-nourishment comes from functioning in the now.*56\350\8*
